What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
