The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
