she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
