If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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