Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
