just tell him i said nine months
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
