"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
operation have a gay friend backfired
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
