I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
