I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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