Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
They took my balls.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
