We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
