i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
