I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
