do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
