i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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