I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
