Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
