12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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