I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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