Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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