Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
