So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
