Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
