Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
