It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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