Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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