You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
