Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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