Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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