I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
