I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
