Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Randomize
