Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she peed on how many people?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
