So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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