I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
