I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
