I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
