i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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