You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
