Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
