There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
