it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Drunk is not a location!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
