Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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