Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
