Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
