I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
