I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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