im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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