I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
