Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
